Wooyoung doesn’t judge. Really, he doesn’t. Ask anyone who knows him and they will tell you the same thing. He’s no stranger to uncomfortable situations. In fact, he welcomes discomfort with open arms, much to the chagrin of his friends.
But even he has his limits and he’s finding it really hard not to judge now.
“Jjongie, look,” Wooyoung calls out, full of glee.
Jongho looks up, eyebrow raised, "What?”
Wooyoung reaches into the depths of the couch and, with as much finesse as he can summon, pulls out a pack of extra-large condoms.
Jongho drops his book. “Oh my god.”
“I know!”
Jongho snatches the condoms from his hands. He flips it over, eagerly reading over the label with morbid amazement.
Wooyoung is both horrified and impressed. Of who, he doesn’t know yet.
As if on cue, the sound of the door opening echoes down the hallway and Wooyoung’s excitement skyrockets. After a few seconds and some noises by the entrance of the share-house, Mingi and Yunho come into view carrying groceries.
Yunho’s eyes lock onto the condoms in Jongho’s hands. His face twists in exaggerated disgust. Mingi erupts into a deep shade of crimson.
“They aren’t mine,” Jongho tosses the box onto the coffee table. It slides to the center. All four sets of eyes follow its path.
“I found them in the couch,” Wooyoung chimes in. He glances back to the pair in the kitchen, fully aware of the sh*t-eating grin on his face. “Any idea who they belong to?”
As the two resident giants of their share-house, Yunho and Mingi are high up on Wooyoung’s list for the potential identity of Mr. Extra-Large.
Mingi eyes him dubiously, “They aren’t yours?” He unpacks one of the bags onto the counter.
“I’m flattered you would think so,” Wooyoung responds with a wink, “But, sadly, no.”
“That’s not-” Mingi’s face erupts in color again. He looks to Yunho for help.
Yunho just laughs, good-natured. He reaches around to grab a few cans from Mingi’s pile of groceries, dragging Wooyoung’s attention to himself. “So, you admit you're all talk?” He says to Wooyoung.
Wooyoung smirks. “It’s not about size, Yuyu. I’d demonstrate, if you asked nicely.”
Mingi looks like he’s about to have an aneurysm. Yunho throws his head back and cackles.
“Four down, four left.” Jongho checks his watch, “The others should be home soon.”
“Not so fast, Jjongie,” Wooyoung tsks, “Our Yuyu hasn’t answered my question.”
“I don’t keep mine in the couch,” Yunho replies, said easy enough to be true.
“It could be San,” Jongho suggests.
Wooyoung waves his hand in dismissal, “He doesn’t use condoms.”
Mingi fully turns to the wall and drops his head against it with a bang. Yunho rubs his back, shooting Wooyoung a warning look. Even Jongho hisses with discomfort.
“Some things can stay a secret,” Yunho chastises, though failing to hide his smile.
“We’re literally looking for which one of us secretly has a monster co*ck,” Wooyoung deadpans.
“Maybe it was a gag gift?” Jongho suggests, leaning forward to eye the label again.
“Someone was gagging alright.”
“Wooyoung!” Mingi shouts, whipping around again, “Please!”
“Mingi, c’mon,” Wooyoung whines, purposefully avoiding Yunho’s second warning glare, “We’re way past this awkward phase of our friendship. Look, I’ll tell you if mine leans left or right-”
“I don’t want to know!”
“Left?” Jongho guesses.
Wooyoung wordlessly holds out his hand for a high-five. Jongho’s palm comes down against his with the force of God.
Their mini celebration is interrupted by the sound of the front door opening and closing. All four of them go quiet and wait with bated breath as Yeosang and San reveal themselves.
Yeosang immediately stops once he notices all of the attention. His eyes are wide when he looks between them all, looking seconds away from running, “Is this another intervention?”
San brushes past, jumping to claim his spot on the couch beside Wooyoung.
Wooyoung nudges San’s shoulder, “Sannie, we found a box of condoms in the couch.”
“Not mine. I don’t use condoms.” San’s voice is muffled by the couch cushion.
“That’s what I said,” Wooyoung shoots a pleased look at Mingi, “but, get this," he leans closer to San's ear, whispering conspiratorially, "these are extra-large.”
San lifts his head, squinting and not entirely believing him. “Who’s lugging that weight?”
“That’s what I’m trying to find out. Any guesses?”
San thinks for a moment. “Hm. Well, Sangie walks kind of funny. Maybe it’s the big dick?”
Jongho leaps into action. He snaps his fingers, “Hyung, walk this way.”
With a shrug, Yeosang walks toward Jongho. If he notices that there are three sets of eyes (Wooyoung, San, and Jongho) focused directly below his belt, he doesn’t say anything. He does, however, do a little twirl when he reaches the couch.
Wooyoung coos. “Aw.” He claps, but still ultimately decides, “It’s not him.”
“How would you know?” Jongho accuses, almost personally offended on Yeosang's behalf.
“You’re really asking me that? Obviously we’ve compared dick sizes. Right, Sangie?”
Yeosang nods. Jongho pouts.
In the kitchen, Mingi turns to Yunho, fork clutched in his hand, and begs Yunho to kill him.
Now, with the erasure of San and Yeosang, there are only two suspects on Wooyoung’s list, but he knows just who it is.
“What's going on?"
Speak of the devil. Everyone turns to Hongjoong, wide-eyed and guilty. They didn't even hear him come in after San and Yeosang.
Hongjoong sets his bag down on one of the barstools. He stares down each of them as he unwinds the scarf from around his neck. “Did I miss something?”
“Forgot something, actually.” Wooyoung clears his throat, gestures casually to the condoms sitting on the coffee table, “Found them in the couch.”
Hongjoong’s face goes scarlet. He drops his eyes to the floor. Bingo.
“You dirty dog, hyung,” Wooyoung teases, vindicated, “In the living room, really?”
“I’m sorry-”
“You should’ve told us,” San sits up, eyes sparkling with mischief.
“Yeah, there’s nothing to be ashamed of,” Jongho adds, playing along.
“We’re happy for you,” Yunho finishes.
Hongjoong looks a little surprised at the reception. “Really? You mean, none of you are bothered by it? At all?”
“It’s a lot of responsibility, sure,” Jongho is using his fake-serious voice, “But we can keep a secret.”
“I mean, it doesn’t have to be a secret,” Hongjoong admits, almost meek.
“You want people to know?” Yunho asks, incredulous.
“Eventually, yeah.” Hongjoong smiles. His cheeks are still pink.
Wooyoung and Yunho exchange a look, both confused. Yeosang, oblivious as ever, just smiles, “Congrats!”
For once, Wooyoung is speechless. He admires how committed to the bit Hongjoong is. “Uh, okay, well,” he holds out the box, “Here?”
Hongjoong shuffles forward and grabs them. “Right, sorry again, and thanks for being so understanding, guys.” He puts a hand on Wooyoung’s shoulder, “I’m really proud of you.”
“Likewise?” Wooyoung desperately wishes he knew what was going on.
Hongjoong's eyes are wet before he blinks it away. He clears his throat, thick with emotion. “Anyway,” he offers another smile, genuine and so relieved, and waves the box in the air with a little laugh, “I’ll get these back to him. He should be in his room.”
Wait.
“Wait,” Wooyoung starts to stand, but is immediately pinned down by San’s firm hand. San shakes his head, suddenly looking ten years wiser. Wooyoung pleads with his eyes.
Hongjoong pauses before he reaches the hallway, turning back to them once more. “This is gonna make him really happy. I mean,” he gestures to the condoms, “not this, but- y’know.” He shrugs a little, “Just- thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank us,” Mingi firmly shakes his head.
“Wait,” Wooyoung tries again. Jongho reaches over and hits his arm, hard enough to bruise. Wooyoung obediently shuts his mouth tight.
“We’ll let you know when dinner is ready,” Yunho smiles.
Hongjoong nods. Horrifyingly, Wooyoung watches him wipe a tear from his cheek. He smiles again before turning to leave.
Wooyoung doesn’t dare speak or breathe until he hears the door to Hongjoong and Seonghwa’s shared room open and shut. When it does, he clutches San’s chest and gasps for air, “Hwa-hyung is the one slinging monster dick? All this time?”
“Idiot.” Jongho hits him again, “That’s what you got from that?” He raises his hand and threatens to do it again. Wooyoung shrieks, scurrying to hide behind San’s bulk.
“They’re dating,” Mingi hisses.
“Hwa-hyung and Joong-hyung,” San clarifies, dutifully protecting Wooyoung from Jongho’s attack.
“Oh, wow,” Yeosang giggles behind his hand, “Is that why they asked to share a room in our new place too?”
“Probably,” Yunho shrugs, “Look. Be cool, okay? He obviously didn’t plan on telling us anytime soon. We can’t make a big deal about this.”
Wooyoung whines like a petulant child, “I don’t care that they’re dating. I care about Hwa-hyung’s big, fat-”
Unfortunately, San can’t protect Wooyoung from the loaf of sliced bread Mingi hurls at his face.
